 I am a 31 year old black African medical practitioner who at the moment, is in the UK and who despite my age and profession do not have a grip on my life. Firstly, about my career, in the past three years, I have failed almost every postgraduate exam I have taken. I used to have a very impressive academic records but it all seem to have gone down the drain.
I have had to battle with an on and off depression partly because of my academics that has taken a plunge, clash of my sexuality with my religious beliefs(I keep thinking it's my sexuality that's responsible for things not working out positively for me and loss of my dad in 1999).
I came to London in January this year, met a guy online (used to be in London before I came to London but now stays in Canada) Though we have never met, I have some strong feelings for him, and he tells me he loves me and has been quite supportive morally (since I came to London, I have failed 2 exams now). The problem here is there is a periodic spell in which he goes quiet on communication. I have brought this up on a number of occasions but would have had a problem he is dealing with. I have told him that we are supposed to be partners and if we truly love each other, we should share our problems but that hasn't worked. I find myself opening up about myself to him but he says little about himself.
Because of him, I have not bothered trying to meet any other person (I am a quiet, simple natured, reserved and mostly an indoor guy who tend to shy away from the crowd).I don't generally mix well. Also he is always thinking about he being the husband and me being his wife, and not being partners (I am top but hopes to bottom for him because of my feelings for him, and I don't even know how that would turn out to be as I have never bottomed before) I really don't know what to think about the whole thing.
I am addicted to porn. I spend money on porn materials at the expense of other things such as clothing etc. The problem is I am just looking to see new faces. It’s so bad that I hardly watch a porn movie twice, and instead start looking for new ones.
My life doesn't seem to have a meaning, as I have gone for psychotherapy sessions back in my country before, initially seemed to get better but eventually go back to my old self.
My class mates that I grew up with and which were never better academically are all successful now and doing really great in their various chosen fields. They are all way up above me. Majority are settled with families already. Why are things so different with me?
Please can you possibly help me? I feel lonely sort of. Judging by comments passed by both ladies and guys about my looks back in the medical school, I don't think I have any problems with my looks. And I am an easily likeable person.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Thank you.
Adabo
Dear Mr. Adabo,
You’ve written me quite a letter and I understand your feelings because life simply is difficult, that is a fact. You are on this earth to do three things; eat, sleep and have sex. Nature is as simple as that. We, humans, have evolved, perhaps too fast into creatures that have a very hard time dealing with our ever changing surroundings and environment. Sometimes I wish I’d been born a cat, just think of how easy life would be.
But we are not here to talk about me being a cat; we are here to address your issues. I have made a list of your issues below so I can better pinpoint your problems and give you direct and honest answers.
Academic career
Congratulations with your past achievements, they really mean something and you should be proud of them. We all have our good and bad moments but we tend to think too much of the bad once instead of cherishing the good once. Work harder and do your best, that’s all you can do to make yourself a better person.
Sexuality issues
Darling, you are gay and there is nothing you can do to fix it. And it’s not something you fix; you should be praising the Lord that you were born with the gift of homosexuality. Don’t forget that the most important message of the good book is human compassion, respect and doing good things for other people. The Bible is pretty old and has been written by many people. The society it was written in is very different from our modern society as well. Therefore it leaves a lot of room for (mis)interpretation. Unfortunately some people have selected chapters from it to abuse for their own perverted purposes like preaching hate towards gays (Can you imagine Jesus preaching hate??). If you read the Old Testament you know you should also stone women to death for adultery, but how would our society be if we would follow the Bible to the letter? I believe that we should focus on the main thing, Jesus’ compassion for humanity.
You can’t blame your sexuality for your problems, however the fact you’ve not accepted your homosexuality can probably account for some of your depression.
Loving a fantasy
Falling in love on the internet is dangerous. I can’t stress this enough. Maintaining a long-term relationship with someone you’ve never met or talked to in person is even more dangerous. Your mind creates an image of a person that it falls in love with and you build your entire relationship with him on written text and your brain’s imagination. For your own good you should get into the real world and get laid. London is a fascinating city, with its numerous saunas where you can go and have anonymous sex 24 hrs a day and the pub scene is not that bad. I know it can be hard to get one’s ass out there and get into the game, but do it, not for me but for your self. Don’t use him as an excuse not to meet other guys. Another point being is that you might be talking to a 13 year old girl in Japan for all you know. The internet is full of lunatics (yours truly included) that pray on lonely soles for their personal excitement (not that I do that!).
Porn addiction
My philosophy when it comes to porn is that porn is good. Think about it, there are so many addictions out there that are far worse than being addicted to porn! I’ll take porn pornaholism over drug addiction any day. What you must do is to set yourself a budget for your porn needs and follow it. Also write down the time you spend watching it. You are in control. Exchange out movies you’ve gotten bored with or try to sell them on online auction sites. Buying a membership to a big porn site with videos can also be a lot cheaper than buying a lot of DVDs. I can tell you I’m addicted to porn too, especially twink porn and I’m not ashamed of it, I embrace it and even made it my job to do porn because it’s something I love to do. Maybe you’re in the wrong field? Maybe your heart lies in the biggest industry on the planet; porn?
You
You have the power, the power to be whoever you want to be. When you walk out that door and into the real world away from your computer you are not just Mr. Adabo, you are The Adabo. Think positively. However judging from your letter over all I do feel that you need to seek professional help and talk to your doctor about getting anti-depressant drugs, there have been breakthroughs in anti-depressant medications that can really change your life. I take Cipralex personally; it helps me with my mild depression and anxiety.
Abado, thank you so much for writing me and I wish you all the best in the future, but you need to get in touch with a medical professional that can give you real answers as I am not a licensed MD and do not pose as one. I am an advice columnist and try to help people with their problems with my experience as a grand homosexual. Feel free to e-mail me personally whenever you want; I’m especially interested to know how your long-term relationship works out.
Kind regards,
Alex
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